What No One Admits About Depression

Sometimes you go through a rough patch in life, suddenly every little thing you put to the back of your brain comes to the forefront. Suddenly you are completely overwhelmed and day after day a new problem emerges. Work feels pressurized, the demands of everyday life begin taking their toll and before you know it you are crumbling.
Crumbling so much to the point your brain just clicks and that switch goes too off. Life suddenly becomes easier for a short time. You don’t feel the emotions of stresses of everyday life for perhaps a week or so. You think you’re acting perfectly normal, but people begin to see the change in you. Flaws become more prominent, people begin to look at you differently and that’s when it all goes downhill.

You wake up one morning and every emotion comes flooding back into your mind. You try and decipher it all but it’s jumbled and a mess. You shrug it off and get ready for work regardless. You put on the fake happy face to get through the day, explaining to those around you that you’re just tired. However your sleep patterns become worse as each day goes by, you begin to lose your appetite to the point one meal is enough and things just get worse from there. All you want to do is to be alone but it is not the luxury you have until you’re laying in bed pleading your mind to let you sleep. You become less sociable and less inclined to do things with friends and family, completely afraid of being judged for what’s happening inside your now fragmented mind.

Each day brings something worse, a new problem or issue constantly building up. Day’s off are spent attempting to make sense of everything. You try and map it all out to understand what’s happened but the pieces don’t fit like they should. You then begin to feel hopeless and you lose yourself to the controlling voice in your head. Then one day, you feel fine, almost on top of the world. The problems of the past few weeks feel like nothing more than a single grain of sand, and that’s when you crack. The tears start streaming down your face, and that is when you truly know how bad it is. The tears don’t stop, they keep coming. Everything is numb, every emotion is in overdrive and you cannot make out what is true or false anymore. Is it the voice in your mind whispering or is it the truth of your very eyes that have gotten you to this point?

You try to talk to someone, but the words don’t come. You feel like you’re sinking and slowly drowning in quicksand, suddenly everything is pointless and you are just existing to exist. Lost without purpose, or any way out.

Yet there’s a twinkle of light as you are about to take that final plunge into the darkness of the sand sea attempting to engulf you. There is hope. Hope that you can get out of this mess your mind has caused you. Hope you will find the help and support you need. Hope it will get better with time.

Depression can affect everyone in different ways, I wish people would simply think instead of assuming the worst in somebody. It doesn’t take much, simply caring and being kind is often all the support anybody needs to make that start to change. The change that can often turn someone’s life around in a positive manner that they cannot see themselves.
Kindness costs nothing, so be kind always. Everyone is going through their own battles and it is not your place to cast judgment and make things worse.

Until next time dreamers,

Alastair x

You Can’t Have A Rainbow Without A Little Rain 🌧☔️🌈☀️

“Just Say The Word … We’ll Take On The World, Just Say Your Hurt. We’ll Face The Worst” – You Me At Six, Take On The World

Hey Dreamers,

Today was a rough day, between the stresses of work and my personal life I admit I broke a little. I cried. Now for those who know me it can take a lot to make me cry, even in a fragile state of mind I don’t often cry. So it’s been tough but I’m finally picking up the pieces and plodding on!

What my little break down did teach me in the aftermath of the tears and heavy breathing is that why in the world am I scared to be seen like that?

Why should I apologise for being sensitive and emotional? Does it make me less human and undeserving of love? Do you ever feel like that? That the little quirks in your personality make it hard to want to put yourself out there?

Well funny story, turns out it only makes you brave. Those tears, those bruises and insecurities, the moment you let it all out and get it off your chest well DAMN! You suddenly feel and even look like a different person. I looked in the mirror about an hour after it all happened and you know what? I saw a completely different human being. I finally thought wow look how handsome you are when you smile and feel refreshed!

My point is, it is okay to let those walls you build so high crumble down. People who judge are not worth being in the same breathing space as you. People who are supportive and help you become the best version of yourself, those are the people who will accept you and LOVE you for you.

I’m so lucky to have such good friends in my life, so thankful for the love I feel when I’m down. Amongst all the drama and stress of everyday life, I feel truly at home within my circle.

Don’t be afraid to be you, ever. You are not made to feel ashamed, or small in comparison to anyone else.

Be brave, see the magic in everyday and keep dreaming impossible things ✨

Until next time dreamers,

Alastair 🌈

Show Your True Colours 🌈

Hey Dreamers,

So today I was thinking about my mental health and how it can often affect my individuality and identity in the world.

It dawned upon me when I saw my Facebook memories from five years ago and it was something my friend had written on my wall “you have a way of lighting up the room when you walk in”. That was before I knew about my mental health let alone how badly it has affected me in recent years. In recent years I’ve toned my wardrobe down to quite muted colours until recently. I finally have the courage to wear bright colourful things that help me in my stride down the street. I feel powerful and positive in bold colours. I love that feeling.

What I’ve learnt the past twelve months is that you should not let your mental health define who you are. You are unique and you should show your true colours in every way you possibly can. If you want to dress eccentrically and that gives you that much needed confidence then do it. You want to use that bright umbrella in the corner of your room on a rainy day or wear that bright raincoat. Do it. You should do it. You want to know why?

Simple.

Why not?

Why should you let your mental health make you scared to be who you are? You like me probably light up the room with just your smile, why not light it up with your personality shining through your own sense of style?

Remember, no one ever made a difference by being like everyone else.

So be yourself.

Shine your colours and have that pride in your stride. Whether it’s just going to the corner shop or going to meet that friend for coffee. Shine and be proud. In the long run you’ll feel so much better, start small but aim high.

Until next time dreamers,

Alastair 💛

Being Alone Is Not The Answer 🌈

Hey dreamers,

Twice in one week! Getting good at this aren’t I? Truth is I had writers block for a while but I’m back and for good this time!

So you know when you’re going through the motions of life, a lot is going on, stress levels are high and to top it off this is all affecting your mental health right?

Of course I’m right, I’ve been there! Some days or weeks I’m there! Aren’t we all?

You feel your world is crumbling down on you, you don’t want to talk to anyone about it but you know deep down you should … yet your own mind says “no people are fed up of you, they’re tired of you” blah blah blah. Well friendly advice, you’re mind can shut the hell up.

The worst part of this is all is that you are constantly overthinking and creating new scenarios in your own head which only fuels its negative voice and pulls you deeper inside its cruel clutches.

Here’s a tip. Don’t be alone. Being alone means you are succumbing to that voice, you are letting it win. So instead of staying in, letting your own mind destroy you, go out. Visit a friend, go for coffee, get that pint, have that long awaited catch up. Visit your parents, in fact any sort of family.

But do not be alone, not until you’re completely relaxed and don’t feel that irritating tug of desire to let your mind take over your whole person.

You are important, you will get through this rough patch and you will continue living life and telling your story.

Keep dreaming impossible things guys,

Nothing is as impossible as it seems, and you are never alone. I promise.

Until next time,

Alastair

❤️

We’re All Stories In The End ✨

Hey dreamers,

So I know I posted about a month ago but due to unforeseen circumstances shall we say the posts had to go! But fear not! I’m still about!!

So back into the fray! GERONIMO!!

Sorry I’ve been watching a lot of Doctor Who lately and wow I forgot how much I loved it (Matt Smith era is my favourite, do not shoot me!).

So have you ever been sat there in a complete crippling fear that you will just be a forgotten piece of history with no impact on anyone or their lives? Trust me I’ve been there, depression and anxiety can do that, especially at your lowest ebb. It’s heartbreaking. You cry, you lose all sense of self worth and you literally think you have made little to no impact on anyone’s lives, let alone your own.

WRONG.

This is your story, and you’re going to write it and most importantly you’re going to live it. You think that smiling at that person in the street didn’t make some sort of impact on their day? Wrong. It probably made their day. It probably made them think “oh that smile, I wish more people smiled like that”.

Do you think when you were serving that customer and you turned their really crappy day around that they won’t remember you? Wrong they are going to remember the kindness and empathy you gave them that day.

The point I’m getting at is that you will continue being a story in every aspect without realising it. You might be a single chapter in someone else’s life, you may even be a whole damn book. Your story lives on in so many ways, and you are an importance on this small blue planet. You will be that memory that makes someone smile in all the right ways without even realising it because you are that infectious and wonderful.

Depression can often make you forget all the good you do, all the stories you have yet to tell. Don’t be afraid to post that picture on Instagram or post that memorable thing on twitter or Facebook.

This is your story, so live it to the fullest.

We’re all stories in the end, so let’s make a good one ay?

Until next time dreamers,

Alastair

❤️

#WorldMentalHealthDay🌎

Hey Dreamers,

So as we all know today is World Mental Health Day! Believe it or not I did not actually know today existed so today’s post will be quite personal too me.

So sometimes when things are going great I suddenly get really down, it literally curve balls me out of my happy bubble and into my little depression bubble. That’s the thing with depression it can hit you at anytime of the day regardless of who you’re with or what you’re doing. It’s a pain in the arse.

However when I’m in this little bubble, I forget about who I am, the trials and tribulations I’ve already overcome. I shut people out, I make excuses not to do things and you know what? I literally should slap myself for it. I should know by now that I am so much more than what I have become when I’m in that state of mind. I know getting out there and seeing someone helps massively yet I stubbornly continue with my self wallowing.

You know what I really need though? For someone to come and see me. Unexpectedly just showing up at my door and just showing that they care. It can be for ten minutes and I’d still appreciate it, more than anything when I’m in this bubble. Should I ask people to do that? Possibly, but truth of the matter I like to think people know me well enough to know what I need.

But that leads into the next point, because of my mental health I do hold back slightly with everyone in my life. I don’t always speak my mind, I don’t often voice my exact feelings about certain things or situations. I don’t explain how hurt I am from the smallest comments, but words can often cut deeper than a knife and people should know that. It’s fact. Words stay forever embedded in your memory. You will always remember certain things and when you’re in your bubble those conversations and comments run around inside your head and torment you further.

So yes depression can sometimes hinder my relationships with others, no it’s not personal and yes it is hard.

Sometimes the bubble stays for around 24 hours, sometimes as long as a week.

All we really need is the right support network, and I absolutely adore the people I have in my life. I may not always tell you guys everything but know that I love you immensely and I will open up more as soon as I’m ready. I will be ready, probably not today but definitely someday.

If you know anyone who suffers from mental health issues please, be kind and be patient with them. They aren’t trying to hurt you, they aren’t trying to push you away. They like me are just too stubborn to admit they need some support and help every now and then. That’s all it is.

Be stubborn back, make it known you are not going anywhere and you will be there for them. Every little helps, it always will. So don’t give up on them. Put yourself in their shoes and then think how you’d feel.

Have Courage,

Be Kind,

Keep Smiling,

Until next time,

Alastair

x

A Simple Act Of Kindess

One thing I’ve learnt about mental health is that it is so difficult to open up about what’s really going on in your own mind.

You feel like you can’t tell anyone because they’ll simply say “oh it’s just a phase” or “life’s hard just get on with it” or something else that just comes to peoples minds at times.

What they don’t understand is that it is NOT just a phase and it’s actually in fact been going on for a lot longer than even you may care to admit.

Even now I sometimes struggle to open up to my own loved ones, everyday is a battle, I get up, I put my happy face on and get on with it. However it then boils down to a matter of days, sometimes weeks before I eventually just completely crack. I break. I realise how broken I actually am.

When it comes to people then rushing around to support me they ask “why didn’t you say anything” and my answers have ranged mostly from “I didn’t want to be a burden” to “I’m sorry”, but the honest answer should be: “you didn’t ask”.

Now that comes across as almost child-like I guess in hindsight. Having said that, I don’t need babysitting. Not at all. What I do need every now and then, and I think anyone struggling may agree is just for someone to ask if you’re okay. That is all it takes. Someone who shows genuine concern and care. It seems needy perhaps, but too me it can push so many irrational thoughts away just because someone cares. That’s when I find myself opening up, often getting emotional but it helps. It helps too talk sometimes instead of keeping it all inside and feeling like you are nothing but a burden constantly over reacting or over thinking certain things.

My point is, an act of simple kindness like that can change someone’s perspective in a split second. It may stop them making a very bad decision and that is that.

You never really know what’s going on in someone’s life,

Be kind always,

Until next time dreamers,

Alastair ⭐️

A perception on Darkness

It is often thought and said that darkness represents evil it’s very self, clinging onto fear like a stagnant smell. It is never wholly there but always niggling at the back of your mind, always looking to eat the sun out of the sky.

But is all darkness evil? My honest answer? No.

How could it be? Let’s put it into simple terms when it comes to what darkness actually can be.

Darkness can come in many forms, but it is neither wholly evil nor wholly good. It exists to remind us of certain things in our lives. Things we often forget to appreciate.

Darkness allows us to see the moon in all her splendid beauty, showing us a different side to the world. Without the same type of darkness we wouldn’t get to see the stars and constellations shining down at us in beautiful harmony. The darkness can offer us solitude, often allowing us to put things into perspective, allowing us time to think and learn. Darkness can offer us the chance to dream without the fear of being judged and to be exactly who we may want to be.

Those who see it as a representation of evil are rather narrow minded. Evil is not born out of darkness, it is made and harboured over a duration of time that is inexplicable to even the most brilliant scholars.

But. What do I know? I’m just a mid twenties guy striving to make tomorrow a better day than today.

If immersing myself in my own darkness, learning to control it whilst immersing myself in starlight then I will fully embrace it. My own darkness, be it good or bad helps define the person I have become. It holds many memories both good and bad, it has shaped me and given me some of my greatest inspirations whether they be pieces of writing like this or even my own photography projects.

Now my favourite quote from A Court Of Mist & Fury which in my opinion describes darkness perfectly:

“There are different kinds of darkness, there is the darkness that frightens, the darkness that soothes, the darkness that is restful. There is the darkness of lovers, and the darkness of assassins. It becomes what the bearer wishes it to be, needs it to be. It is not wholly bad nor good”.

My darkness is always what I need it to be, what I want it to be.

If that makes me evil then long live my evil and tortured soul.

Until next time guys!

Alastair 🖤

MentalHealth: Feeling Good Enough For Someone!

Hey guys,

It’s been a hectic few weeks to say the least, but I’m back!

So something has been niggling at me lately and it’s probably going to seem quite trivial, yet it’s something anyone who suffers with mental health can probably relate too. What do you do when you don’t feel good enough for someone? Do you change something about yourself? Maybe your appearance? Or perhaps your entire world so you can feel like you are worthy of that person, of feeling worthy to be in their life?

The honest and most simple answer? Hell no.

Now I admit I genuinely have been feeling quite insignificant and not particularly worthy of a certain someone as of late. I feel perhaps I’m a nuisance at times, and perhaps whatever I do that that person will just end up leaving me. I mean let’s face it everyone leaves eventually, and when you suffer with mental health you always know something’s are just too god damn good to last. It’s funny because the smallest things can set these things off. Social media is the biggest enemy. It brings out your insecurities and can massively impact on things that can have a long standing affect. I mean I barely post on anything these days, it’s actually out of choice. Not everyone needs to know you’re living an awesome life, sometimes privacy isn’t a bad thing (more on that in another post for later this week, don’t worry).

Back to the topic at hand.

What I do know is this.

You do not have to change yourself to fit someone’s category of perfect. You definitely shouldn’t change your appearance for one person. I mean if you’re going to do that do it for yourself. Quite frankly you should not be ashamed or question the person you are because of that one person. You should not feel ashamed of your past. It is in the past for a reason, they weren’t there. You are not that person anymore. Whether you’re insecure and broken or not. That person will accept you& support you. And throughout it all you will always be good enough for them if not better.

Let me tell you something I wish someone had told me recently.

You are good enough.

For anyone.

& most importantly yourself.

I’ll be posting more often and frequently from now on guys,

Don’t forget to keep dreaming impossible things!

All my love,

Alastair x

Thirteen Reasons Why

So I’ve re-watched the Netflix show Thirteen Reasons Why for a second time this year, and to be honest I’m just as emotional and raw as I was the first time around.Sometimes you don’t realise the impact your words can have on someone’s life, how perhaps a simple act of kindness can stop someone from taking their lives. You don’t realise that each person is going through some sort of battle in their own mind and life and all they really want is someone to ask if they’re okay. Even I have days where I just wish someone would hug me and say “I know you’re not okay, I’m here if you need me”. 
So after being inspired by Hannah Baker this is my list of Thirteen Reasons Why your mental health is so important and a few positive things we need reminding of every now and then. We’re all afraid to talk sometimes, even to the people we are closest too. It hurts like hell keeping it inside, I know all too well, especially after this week and the events that have lead me into a dark place which even as I’m writing this I am struggling to get out of. 
So here it goes:
1. You are stronger than you realise. You go through the same shit in your head everyday from the minute you wake up and then go to work. You are a bad ass! No one can tell you any differently.
2. People you trust will understand and can be really supportive. It’s okay to talk about it. 
3. It is not a bad life, it’s a bad few days. Tomorrow is another chance and reason to smile, I promise.
4. Don’t let yesterday’s mistakes define the decisions you make today or tomorrow. We all makes mistakes no one is perfect.
5. Don’t be scared to love, it’s ok too feel. 
6. You are not making anyone’s lives worse by being around, I bet you’re the reason your friends smile and they just haven’t told you.
7. Write it down, whether it’s in a journal/diary or even an open letter to yourself. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel afterwards.
8. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and to express yourself. If you want to dress up like a rainbow of odd colours then do it. Because that’s who you are and you don’t have to apologise for being you.
9. Write down three, yes THREE positive things you want to achieve every single day, whether it’s telling someone how amazing you think they are, or setting yourself a goal, it is amazing the things you might achieve.
10. Volunteer for a local charity which specialises in mental health. Helping others also helps you, you’ll be surprised by how much you may inspire others.
11. Be kind to others, you’ll be surprised the kindness you receive back. You don’t realise how much a smile or gesture may mean to someone until you’ve done it. 
12. It’s okay to cry, it is OKAY to break down. But don’t forget to pick yourself back up and carry on. Life is too short and I promise your journey is far from over.
13. Smile. Because everyone deserves to see that radiant and infectious smile in their lives. Especially You.
Until next time guys,

Alastair x