Thirteen Reasons Why

So I’ve re-watched the Netflix show Thirteen Reasons Why for a second time this year, and to be honest I’m just as emotional and raw as I was the first time around.Sometimes you don’t realise the impact your words can have on someone’s life, how perhaps a simple act of kindness can stop someone from taking their lives. You don’t realise that each person is going through some sort of battle in their own mind and life and all they really want is someone to ask if they’re okay. Even I have days where I just wish someone would hug me and say “I know you’re not okay, I’m here if you need me”. 
So after being inspired by Hannah Baker this is my list of Thirteen Reasons Why your mental health is so important and a few positive things we need reminding of every now and then. We’re all afraid to talk sometimes, even to the people we are closest too. It hurts like hell keeping it inside, I know all too well, especially after this week and the events that have lead me into a dark place which even as I’m writing this I am struggling to get out of. 
So here it goes:
1. You are stronger than you realise. You go through the same shit in your head everyday from the minute you wake up and then go to work. You are a bad ass! No one can tell you any differently.
2. People you trust will understand and can be really supportive. It’s okay to talk about it. 
3. It is not a bad life, it’s a bad few days. Tomorrow is another chance and reason to smile, I promise.
4. Don’t let yesterday’s mistakes define the decisions you make today or tomorrow. We all makes mistakes no one is perfect.
5. Don’t be scared to love, it’s ok too feel. 
6. You are not making anyone’s lives worse by being around, I bet you’re the reason your friends smile and they just haven’t told you.
7. Write it down, whether it’s in a journal/diary or even an open letter to yourself. You’ll be surprised how much better you feel afterwards.
8. Don’t be afraid to be who you are and to express yourself. If you want to dress up like a rainbow of odd colours then do it. Because that’s who you are and you don’t have to apologise for being you.
9. Write down three, yes THREE positive things you want to achieve every single day, whether it’s telling someone how amazing you think they are, or setting yourself a goal, it is amazing the things you might achieve.
10. Volunteer for a local charity which specialises in mental health. Helping others also helps you, you’ll be surprised by how much you may inspire others.
11. Be kind to others, you’ll be surprised the kindness you receive back. You don’t realise how much a smile or gesture may mean to someone until you’ve done it. 
12. It’s okay to cry, it is OKAY to break down. But don’t forget to pick yourself back up and carry on. Life is too short and I promise your journey is far from over.
13. Smile. Because everyone deserves to see that radiant and infectious smile in their lives. Especially You.
Until next time guys,

Alastair x


What Depression Is Too Me

One of the greatest challenges with depression is trying to explain it to people. Whether it’s a close friend, a loved one or even just a work colleague. Now for me I sometimes wake up and it is genuinely crippling, the very thought of seeing a friend or going to work can often feel like torture. My body and mind are constantly raging against each other to get up and see the day through. This can make hours feel like days, I often find myself ignoring text messages off of loved ones and close friends just because my mind is telling my body “no, no one really cares you are in this alone”. Of course it isn’t true but how can you tell your own mind that this isn’t the case? It’s not a straightforward answer or explanation even I have come to grips with myself. 
A year one after being diagnosed and learning to face my demons and where it all stemmed from has been challenging. It still is, every single day. It is a constant fight of good days and bad days and that is ok. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Even the strongest people break from time to time, and that’s just life. 
As many of you now know my depression started from an abusive relationship which flipped my whole world upside down. I lost my self-worth, my confidence, even my dreams and aspirations in life. It has been a difficult transition getting to where I am now, and believe it or not those demons still haunt me to this day. I would be lying if I said I did not wake up in a panic every other week, drenched in a sticky sweat having dreamed I was still in that period of my life. I have much more support around me compared to what I used too and it is reassuring.  
I find it really difficult to express myself in person sometimes so I hope whoever is reading my posts can gain some sort of understanding about why I am the way I am. I can be needy, I can be moody, I might just need a hug or some reassurance that you do actually care and want to be in my life. Trust me, depression makes you question almost everything and it is not fun, it can make you feel like you’re a hindrance in others lives. Your own mind tortures you into believing and thinking certain things which just need clarification, and I am painfully aware not everyone sees things in the same light but kindness and honesty cost nothing. 
So the one thing I find the hardest with depression is a relationship. Yes gay and depressed what a cliche. I’ve heard it all so don’t even try it. Whenever I have ever met someone who could perhaps be a partner one day down the line, of course I let them see the good parts, not too much but enough to spark an interest. They then later get to see the not so good parts, the damaged goods I like to describe them as, the depressed side. The side that is insecure, and a bit broken and just needing a little love. That’s when people decide to up and run because you’re too fucked up to deal with. Well fuck you very much to the people who have done that not just myself but others in the same boat. People like you don’t deserve people like me, or should I say us. We love a little bit harder than most because we know exactly what it is like not to feel loved especially by ourselves, your loss guys. It really is.
One day I will feel completely equal and balanced and maybe with the right person by my side I’ll get there a lot quicker. Who knows. Right now my only goal is to help not only myself but other people in the world struggling with their own mental health. My main goal of this year is to start working with charities, throw a fundraiser and spread some positivity into the world. Everyone has their own story, and they should not be afraid to tell it. We should not be ashamed because of our mental illness. We should not be afraid to love and be loved in return. We should not be afraid to be who we are.
We should not be afraid to dream impossible things.
Until next time,
Alastair x

Because Of You I Smile More …

It’s been quite some time since I dedicated a post to a close friend, but there’s one person who definitely deserves merit and praise in my life. She is literally my “happy person”. My go too with anything and everything that happens in my life. For eight years we have argued, laughed, cried and she’s even slapped me a few times (which I may or may not have deserved, it’s an ongoing debate even to this day). I don’t think she realises how much she means too me most days. How her presence can pull me out of the darkest slums of depression within a matter of seconds. Maybe it’s the road trips and adventures we go on, maybe it’s the Disney sing-a-longs or maybe it’s the fact she is the most amazing, slightly nutty but incredibly loving woman I have the pleasure of calling my best friend and “wifey”. You wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve wrote and re-wrote this post just because I feel like no words can do her justice but well here goes nothing.
So we met in college, I was very insecure within myself having been bullied out of my previous sixth form. I was unsure of my place in the world, completely and utterly broken. Then this blonde and pink haired bombshell sits next to me in the canteen and well that was when my whole world changed. If there was a King and Queen of a college course, we were it. People either loved us or loathed us and we did not give a shit. She helped me discover my identity and place in the world. She has never left my side, how she puts up with me and my shit is an absolute mystery, because I can’t even deal with myself half the time! 
She inspires me on a daily basis with her strength and integrity. Now I know I’ve said in previous posts I’ve been to hell and back, let me tell you that if there’s someplace worse than hell the bitch conquered it and came back with an absolute vengeance!!

She’s a single mother and there’s no questioning that she is a fantastic parent to her daughter, I cannot wait to be at her wedding one day reminiscing about how she got to where she will be one day. She is an army in her own right, my rock in every situation, she is a fighter and her name is Melanie Davies. She deserves every happiness in the world and I’m so glad I get to be a part of her journey as she is a part of mine.
She is my family.
Always & Forever. 

Today Depression Caught Me Off Guard

Today has been a hard day. It caught me completely off guard. I often forget depression can creep up on you at any moment and at any time of the day. You can be laughing and joking with your friends one minute, the next you’re an absolute mess filled with anxieties and fears you thought you’d left behind long ago. 
Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling great after an amazing evening on the beach surrounded by amazing people. It then dawned on me that yesterday was also the first Father’s Day without my grandfather. I cracked. Completely broke down, I had two panic attacks before I even left the house for work. Now I haven’t had a panic attack in fourteen months, so imagine my distress and mentality at having two in less than a few hours. After I had showered I sat on the edge of my bath completely broken for thirty long minutes. Crying my eyes out as if I was going through the motions of grief all over again and it just wouldn’t stop. It made me realise that depression never really leaves. It is a constant battle of the mind constantly swaying between which side comes out on top. 

Now I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am guarded when it comes to certain people. Four people currently get to see me in these moments of despair. They are all amazing people, I am so grateful to them and I don’t think they realise the important parts they play by just listening and being there. One person is a new addition to my life, and sometimes I question whether I should speak to him about certain things. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll just push him away. However saying that, he does in his own way. He probably won’t admit it but he wouldn’t put up with me if he didn’t care. He’s guarded, and he’s going through a lot but I am glad he’s part of my life. It will certainly be a lovely reunion when I finally see him again. 
I guess today has taught me something new once again in this ongoing battle of depression. Communication is key, no matter how scared you are of speaking out, the people you trust the most won’t turn their backs on you if they truly care. I’m lucky I get four people to speak because I remember a time I thought I had no one. The times I felt I was a no one and just felt like a hindrance by just being here. I’ve come a long way, I need to remind myself of that far more often than I care to admit.
There will always be good days and bad days, the key is too not let the bad days win. It’s something that I tell people constantly but never tell myself. I will pick myself up from this, I will be stronger tomorrow and I will keep fighting. Life is too short and I refuse to let this mental illness define me and my life. 
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will wake up and continue living and dreaming. It’s what I do best. Until then the moon and stars shall be my company while I raise a toast to my grandfather and to myself, for finding the strength and courage to write this. 

To Me … From Me

Hi Guys and Girls,
So some of you may know I suffer with my mental health, the past few months I’ve been at the top of my game. Literally not a lot phases me much or sets me back to where I was this time last year. I admit I’ve come a long way and I am proud of it, but lately it’s been niggling at me, day by day. Maybe it’s just me overthinking things, I do that from time to time. Maybe it is my mental health creeping back up on me reminding me in the back of my mind that it’s still there, toying with me and my broken past. The past few weeks I’ve been second guessing myself, questioning every action and decision I make. Questioning if I’m good enough, if I deserve to be in people’s lives, if I’m strong enough to be there for my friends and family when it matters most.

I guess the point of this post is for me, an open letter to myself, from me too me:
Dear Alastair,

I remember the lonely empty person you were twelve months ago, a shadow of a person you once were. You spent days, weeks confined to a room, laying there in silence, ignoring everything and everyone while you contemplated cutting your wrists and ending it all. Depression ate at you, starved you of life. You have come a very, VERY long way. 

Now I know it’s hard right now, I know it seems your world has crashed down and that demon in the back of your mind is trying to get his grip back to the forefront of your brain. Let me tell you something. You are strong, you have mastered your darkness. You know darkness isn’t entirely good nor evil, it is an essence, an element you uncovered and delved into to find every part of yourself worth living and fighting for. You saved yourself from a different fate and you are still here. Stars cannot shine without darkness, you told yourself that over and over for months, it gave you strength when you had none. So cage the demon back to where it belongs, in a pit of nothingness. It get’s better. 

You are not defined by what people think of you. Rumours, opinions of bitter people, do not define you. Pity them because they clearly don’t realise that everyone is fighting a different battle everyday that no one may even know about. You are an amazing friend, you do so much for people without asking for anything back. Kindness costs nothing (thank you mum for that lesson). 

I know sometimes you feel alone, like your being overbearing, but you matter. People do actually care, just be patient with them. You’ll see you’re just being a worry wart and stressing over mediocre things that that lovely demon will enjoy feeding on and fueling negative thoughts into your mind again. 

You have a lot of people surrounding you, people you may often forget about because life get’s busy, we’re all adults, we work a lot. You have so much more of life to see, places you’ve never seen. You need to enjoy every moment, because life is so much more than a small town. 

Take risks, fall in love, enjoy it.

Life’s a climb, it will always be a challenge but the view will be great when you get there. I promise. 

Now smile, read a book and know you are stronger than ever before,

Alastair x

A Modern Fairy Tale <3

It was the same old evening as every weekend had been for as long as he remembered, Tristan stood there blank faced, passing pleasantries as if it was a chore to be in other’s company. His parents having thrown ANOTHER fancy party, once again trying the same tactics to set him up with another distant family friend’s daughter. They somehow held out hope that coming out to them was just a phase and he would somehow find “true love” with someone’s daughter … It was tedious and boring. The same old routine, it has been six weeks since he had told his parents and yet they just weren’t as accepting as he’d hoped they might have been. Tristan’s mother had always raised him to be kind and to have courage, the very courage he had used to tell his parents he was gay in the first place. He did consider giving up on those beliefs over the past few weeks, but he stood strong in being himself, always being kind to everyone (especially his parents), even though by being himself it was considered just a phase. At twenty one years old, he knew deep down it was not a phase, it was no secret he had been with girls, but he had never enjoyed it deep down. It was like his entire life he knew he was different, but he never knew until the day a drunken incident happened and had been kissed by a man for the very first time. That was when everything snapped into focus and Tristan knew who he really was. Two weeks after building up courage, he told his parents. Although accepting of the situation, they didn’t quite grasp the fact that he was attracted to men and not the opposite sex.
Dressed in a turquoise shirt, light grey trousers and beige boots, it all reflected well against his caramel complexion. “I’m going to get another drink mum” he told his mother, before she even had a chance to react Tristan was already lost in the crowd and on his way to the bar hoping for some decent conversation and a VERY strong drink to get him through another tiresome evening. Taking a seat at the bar which was surprisingly empty, he ordered a double spiced rum on the rocks, putting the payment on his parents tab and sat there. Alone, again.
What seemed like a full hour on his own pondering his thoughts, he finally gazed up and looked around the party hall, hoping to find someone he knew and pull them to the bar to join him. Tristan’s eyes glanced to the entrance and what he saw made his heart stop and almost skip a beat. A young man dressed in a white shirt, dark blue fitted trousers, short brown hair and the most gorgeous blue eyes that could send anyone’s heart racing even at that distance. The young man in question was heading straight in Tristan’s direction. Their eyes kept perfectly on one another, and with every stride Tristan became more and more nervous at the fact that this dashing young man could not take his eyes off him. Suddenly there they were, face to face, mere feet apart. Tristan took in every detail of this stranger’s face. Stubble trimmed to a very attractive length, full and very kissable looking lips, and again those blue eyes … Tristan was mesmerised. Before he could say anything, the young man spoke first and simply uttered, “would you mind if I sat and maybe get you a drink? I’m Rick”.
Tristan sat in shock for a few seconds, registering what was happening right now. He eventually managed to utter “I’m um Tris- Tristan”. Nervously he smiled and indicated for Rick to join him. Rick ordered up two drinks for them both, turned and smiled at Tristan and said, “I actually saw you last weekend at the previous party, I didn’t quite have the courage to approach as your parents were guarding you like watch dogs. Truth be told I’m actually surprised I had the courage to approach you this evening at all. So anyway, I know it’s sudden but after this drink, would like to join me for a walk around the gardens this evening? I’d like to get to know you”. Tristan couldn’t quite believe what was happening. Was this all a set-up or was this Rick genuinely true and kind? Life is all about taking risks and Tristan was not about to pass up a sort of first date with this Prince Charming sat before him.
“Sure Rick why not … But first tell me about yourself. Anything at all”.
Soon enough the conversation flowed, both laughing and enjoying one another’s company. An hour later Tristan smiled and took Rick’s hand. Rick looked up with those dreamy blue eyes, excitement and magic dancing wildly behind them.
“Would you like to dance with me Rick?”
“I would love to”.
As if by fate the next song that came on was in fact a slow song, perfect for a first dance.
The dance floor was now near empty, people gathering in a circle to watch as the two young men held one another, dancing slowly yet perfectly in sync with one another.
“They’re all looking at you” Tristan said, blushing at Rick’s hand on his lower back as they danced together.
“Believe me, they’re all looking at you … why wouldn’t they be? You’re gorgeous” Rick replied, causing heat to rise in Tristan’s cheeks, his wonderful smile coming to life as they swayed back and forth around the floor. Tristan looked over at his parent’s, they simply nodded and smiled seemingly accepting the one thing they had denied all this time … Tristan’s happiness. The song ended soon after that and the room erupted with applause. Tristan blushing wonderfully led Rick out through the garden entrance towards his favourite spot. As they walked together holding hands, smiling like cheshire cat’s, they finally arrived at a small bridge over-looking a crystal clear river surrounded by banks of flowers in bloom. Halfway up the bridge, the two men stopped, and leant into each other.
Smiling Tristan said, “so why me? What makes me so special out of all the other people here?”
Pulling Tristan closer, Rick simply replied, “because you are kind, you have courage and you want more out of life than anyone I have ever met. I would be a fool not to choose you”.
With those sweet words tingling in his ears, already haunting him forever Tristan leaned in towards Rick. The moonlight dancing off the ripples of the river, the two young men shared their first kiss.

And it would not be their last …

Three years later

Tristan couldn’t believe it, he was marrying Rick, his boyfriend of three years. It was all a fairytale he couldn’t quite believe was coming true. They were to be wed in a castle, hundreds of guests invited all to witness him proclaim his love for another, something he had always wished for, and he had finally got it.
Soon after the vows and rings were exchanged, all with kindness and love came the first dance to the very first song they had danced too exactly three years to the day of the wedding. Hours later the newlywed couple finally had time to themselves, surrounded by gifts and cards off all their loved ones and friends, Tristan looked into his husband’s eyes, filled of such love and joy, pulling him close he said  “promise me this is forever …”
Rick held him tightly and replied sweetly “it will be even longer …”

The End … x


Written by Alastair Harris ❤

Why Being Mentally Strong Is So Important … x

Hey guys,

It has been a while, and I can’t apologise more for it! I love doing this blog but life has been a bit difficult the past few weeks with family and just life’s challenges in general. I’ve been having a bit of writer’s block recently and it did leave me a bit uninspired and at a bit of a loss at what to write about lately. However having said that over the past few days I really realised how important it is to be strong, not in the muscular kind of way, I mean strong mentally. The kind of strength you carry with you and get’s you through the darkest patches in your life. Now I’m not perfect, god knows no one is. I suffer from depression, my anxiety can sometimes get the better of me and I am a nightmare for wearing my heart on my sleeve in every situation known to man! BUT not all of that is negative, not really. These things actually influence the strength inside of me, the strength that get’s me through the worst times of my life and somehow into amazing adventures filled with laughter and joy.
The thing with depression and anxiety is that it can affect your entire state of mind until you decide to fight back and be strong. Now let me tell you why being strong is so important, and not just for people who suffer from depression and anxiety, but for anyone going through a rough patch right now and might need a little bit of inspiration to get through what could seem like the worst day of your life.
Being strong is turning a negative situation into a positive one. When something bad happens we instantly start thinking of every bad thing that has ever happened or could happen and that intensifies the current negative situation, but by focusing on the positive side of something it can instantly put your frame of mind back into focus and onto a happier path. Every situation is a learning curve and we should take positivity and lessons from it more than anything else. Being strong is about learning to love your life. No one’s life is perfect, but does that mean you can’t appreciate what’s around you right now in this present moment? I know it is much easier said than done, it really is yet the more positive you think the more you appreciate what you have and that strengthens your mentality because of those thoughts. Being strong is about learning to accept your flaws and turn them into positive traits. My biggest flaws are that I am far too kind and sensitive for my own good but is that a bad thing really? No, because that kindness brings me joy by making someone else’s day better, and my sensitivity helps me understand other’s emotions and situations, it’s probably why I don’t judge a book by it’s cover. Being strong is learning to be alone, and not because people don’t care but because people can’t always be there when you need them the most. My last point is that being strong is to have courage in every single day, because anything can happen and if you are prepared to be strong then you are prepared to face all of life’s challenges with dignity and grace.
Life is too short, but by being strong you can make the most of every single day you get to live and see.

Never be afraid of your strength for that strength is your greatest ally and will see you through all the harshest storms that life throws at you,
We are all stronger than we truly know, never forget that …
I’ll be back in the next couple of days guys with lot’s of new posts and stories to share,

All my love,

Alastair ❤


Why Sensitive People Should Be Cherished … Always

So, all my life I have always been told I’m far too sensitive for my own good. I’ve always looked at it as a bad thing, never a good. It wasn’t until this year I found out I was in fact an empath. Being an empath is when you are affected by other people’s energies, and have an innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive others. Your life is unconsciously influenced by others’ desires, wishes, thoughts, and moods. Being an empath is much more than being highly sensitive and it’s not just limited to emotions.
Does being an empath increase the trait you carry from birth or is it simply amplified by this gift? I don’t have the answer, I don’t think there really is answer to that question, not really … But this post is about why sensitive people should be cherished, and why it isn’t a bad thing in the slightest. This is about how being sensitive is probably one of the best traits you can carry in this world.
Sensitive people are the most genuine and honest people you will ever meet. There is nothing they won’t tell you about themselves if they trust you and the kindness you possess. However don’t be fooled, they will know if that kindness is false or not. The moment you betray them, reject them or devalue them, they will end the friendship or relationship. They know it’s what is best for them in the long run of their journey. Sensitive people live with guilt and constant agonising pain over unresolved situations and petty misunderstandings. They are often artists of sorts with tortured souls that are not able to live with hatred or being hated. This type of person needs the most love anyone can give them because their soul has been constantly bruised and torn by others. They are the most likely to go through depression and anxiety due to their kind and courageous nature. However! Despite the tragedy and deep sorrow they experience through life, they remain the most compassionate people worth knowing due to the compassion and bravery they carry with them. They will always smile, always look on the bright side of life and try to make the best of every situation. They will go to the ends of this earth for the people they cherish and hold dear in their hearts. Because of their compassion they often become the person who the broken-hearted, forgotten and misunderstood people look up to and go to for advice and genuine friendship. Some see them as angels with broken wings, I see them as caterpillars waiting to bloom into beautiful butterflies of wonderful colours waiting to fly. But they will only truly fly, and soar when they are truly and unconditionally loved.

IF anyone ever tells you that you’re too sensitive, please remember that is a positive and wonderful trait to have, not many people on this planet are graced with such beauty as sensitivity.

One last thing guys, a little message from one sensitive person to another:
You love deeply. You think deeply about life. You’re honest, loyal and true. You appreciate the simple things. You will not change or harden to this world. It is this sensitivity, perception, sincerity, awareness, affection and gentle grace that make you who you are!

All my love,
Alastair ❤


What I Think Romance Is <3

Hey guys! It’s been a while! It’s been a very long week, and something I’ve only touched on briefly in previous posts is romance. This post isn’t necessarily linked with depression but it is important to me and is about how I see romance in a relationship with a significant other.
So people who know me know I am a massive romantic. Others may think I’m in love with the idea of romance and I may not truly know what romance can be in the world. That is probably the biggest insult someone could give me. I may be a dreamer but romance is all around us in different forms and people show it in so many different ways.

Yes I admit I fantasise about lots of things when it comes to romance, I fantasise about my dream wedding which may I add would be in a beautiful castle, baby blue as the main colour theme, each table at the reception decorated with ornate blue roses … ANYWAY back to reality Alastair before you start dancing on your own around the kitchen again.
I admit I dream of the idea of romance but I have experienced it, and I know what I see romance as when it comes to being with someone and do you want to know what I  think romance is when it comes to a relationship ? I think romance can be just walking through a flower garden or a riverfront enjoying each other’s company. I think romance is loving one another unconditionally, accepting each other’s faults and flaws. I think romance is how a tiny gesture like saying “I miss you” when you’re not around one another can make one’s heart flutter, like butterflies singing to each other through the very beating of their fragile wings. I think romance is doing things out of thought like sending flowers with cute messages written on a card saying how the person was thinking of you and wanted to let you know that you are on their mind. I think romance is giving your whole being to someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return. I think romance is the cute text messages you receive from your significant other saying how stupid things that make you laugh … and sometimes cry because you can miss someone that much on this entire planet. I think romance is dancing around a room to your favourite song together and holding each other closely as if it could be the very last time you do hold each other. I think romance is experiencing new things together, whether it be a film or a city neither have you have been too. I think romance is how the person you fall for becomes not just your partner, but your best friend and confidant all in the same body. I think romance is magical and is created out of the courage and kindness it took you both to get you both where you are now.
I think romance can be lot’s of things in this world and they can be shared with friends, family and yes a significant other. But do you know what ? I pity those who don’t appreciate romance, or think of these things. The smallest things, the precious moments you share can all go a ridiculously long way and can shape the most beautiful unbreakable relationship any could hope to see in this day and age.

I hope one day I do get my dream wedding, I hope one day I can say I found the love of my life and had a wonderful life with them, and if it means having heartbreak and pain along the way I know it will all have been worth it.

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials life can offer … Have courage and be kind … when there is kindness there is goodness and where there is goodness there is … Magic” – Cinderella 2015 (awesome film by the way JUST SAYING)

Until next time guys,

All my love,

Alastair aka the fairytale dreamer & believer ❤

Stay True To Who You Are! It’s What Makes You YOU!

Sometimes with depression you can lose yourself along the way without realising it. You become almost an empty hollow shell carrying around a false smile. Deny it all we want but it’s true. We can pretend to smile and be happy but here’s a news flash: depression does not get to decide who you are, it does not get to decide what clothes you wear or how you portray your own character. You shouldn’t have to pretend to smile because I’m sure you have plenty of reasons to goddamn smile on a day to day basis!

Personally, I am a carefree daydreamer and typical romantic with my head stuck in a book most of the time. I like to dress to impress most of the time (apart from when I’m at the gym … Ok maybe I put a bit of effort into looking nice at the gym but who the heck is keeping track on what I’m wearing anyway right?!). I dress casual smart, because that is who I am, if one day I got up and got dressed and put on the baggiest clothes known to man, I think EVERYONE in my life would notice something was wrong and that I was not being myself. I do not like to flaunt that I do have depression, why should I ? Does it define me ? No. Does it decide how I should WANT to feel and dress like ? No.
It tries to tell me a lot of things that aren’t true. And it is in those cruel things that start to strip you of the person you are, the person you are meant to be. It makes you question your entire life, and puts a huge amount of doubt into yourself that shouldn’t be there. So let’s change that shall we?
Good I’m glad you agree because you don’t have a choice, not when it comes to this.
You want to be that happy, confident person you miss being from six months ago? Great, here’s the first step, remember that person, remember the confidence you carried, the confidence you portrayed by just walking down the street, the heads that would turn because you were that awesome (everyone is awesome, don’t question it!!). Once you’ve found that person, remind yourself how you used to carry yourself. I’m sure six months ago you didn’t carry yourself with the weight of the world on your shoulders? No I imagine you didn’t. Do you get the picture of what needs to be done? Only you can decide if you lose the person you were before this all begun. Only YOU can decide if depression wins and defines you as a person.

Do you know what someone told me recently ?

Happiness and confidence are the prettiest things you can wear.

I completely and utterly agree with those words. If that is what makes you YOU again, then do it. It is not the be all or end all, we all have our different paths and journeys to follow.

But for those who read my blog and spend five minutes out of their day trying to find ways to improve yourself then know this:

You are unique, you are creative, you are special, you are meant for more on this planet than you realise and you need to stay true to who you are … Because we all deserve to be quirky and different, you don’t need to follow a crowd, you don’t need to let this illness destroy the beautiful person you are. You are strong, and you will beat this.
You just need to stay true to who you are and that is when you know that you WILL win.