What I Think Romance Is <3

Hey guys! It’s been a while! It’s been a very long week, and something I’ve only touched on briefly in previous posts is romance. This post isn’t necessarily linked with depression but it is important to me and is about how I see romance in a relationship with a significant other.
So people who know me know I am a massive romantic. Others may think I’m in love with the idea of romance and I may not truly know what romance can be in the world. That is probably the biggest insult someone could give me. I may be a dreamer but romance is all around us in different forms and people show it in so many different ways.

Yes I admit I fantasise about lots of things when it comes to romance, I fantasise about my dream wedding which may I add would be in a beautiful castle, baby blue as the main colour theme, each table at the reception decorated with ornate blue roses … ANYWAY back to reality Alastair before you start dancing on your own around the kitchen again.
I admit I dream of the idea of romance but I have experienced it, and I know what I see romance as when it comes to being with someone and do you want to know what I  think romance is when it comes to a relationship ? I think romance can be just walking through a flower garden or a riverfront enjoying each other’s company. I think romance is loving one another unconditionally, accepting each other’s faults and flaws. I think romance is how a tiny gesture like saying “I miss you” when you’re not around one another can make one’s heart flutter, like butterflies singing to each other through the very beating of their fragile wings. I think romance is doing things out of thought like sending flowers with cute messages written on a card saying how the person was thinking of you and wanted to let you know that you are on their mind. I think romance is giving your whole being to someone unconditionally without expecting anything in return. I think romance is the cute text messages you receive from your significant other saying how stupid things that make you laugh … and sometimes cry because you can miss someone that much on this entire planet. I think romance is dancing around a room to your favourite song together and holding each other closely as if it could be the very last time you do hold each other. I think romance is experiencing new things together, whether it be a film or a city neither have you have been too. I think romance is how the person you fall for becomes not just your partner, but your best friend and confidant all in the same body. I think romance is magical and is created out of the courage and kindness it took you both to get you both where you are now.
I think romance can be lot’s of things in this world and they can be shared with friends, family and yes a significant other. But do you know what ? I pity those who don’t appreciate romance, or think of these things. The smallest things, the precious moments you share can all go a ridiculously long way and can shape the most beautiful unbreakable relationship any could hope to see in this day and age.

I hope one day I do get my dream wedding, I hope one day I can say I found the love of my life and had a wonderful life with them, and if it means having heartbreak and pain along the way I know it will all have been worth it.

“I want to tell you a secret that will see you through all the trials life can offer … Have courage and be kind … when there is kindness there is goodness and where there is goodness there is … Magic” – Cinderella 2015 (awesome film by the way JUST SAYING)

Until next time guys,

All my love,

Alastair aka the fairytale dreamer & believer ❤

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Stay True To Who You Are! It’s What Makes You YOU!

Sometimes with depression you can lose yourself along the way without realising it. You become almost an empty hollow shell carrying around a false smile. Deny it all we want but it’s true. We can pretend to smile and be happy but here’s a news flash: depression does not get to decide who you are, it does not get to decide what clothes you wear or how you portray your own character. You shouldn’t have to pretend to smile because I’m sure you have plenty of reasons to goddamn smile on a day to day basis!

Personally, I am a carefree daydreamer and typical romantic with my head stuck in a book most of the time. I like to dress to impress most of the time (apart from when I’m at the gym … Ok maybe I put a bit of effort into looking nice at the gym but who the heck is keeping track on what I’m wearing anyway right?!). I dress casual smart, because that is who I am, if one day I got up and got dressed and put on the baggiest clothes known to man, I think EVERYONE in my life would notice something was wrong and that I was not being myself. I do not like to flaunt that I do have depression, why should I ? Does it define me ? No. Does it decide how I should WANT to feel and dress like ? No.
It tries to tell me a lot of things that aren’t true. And it is in those cruel things that start to strip you of the person you are, the person you are meant to be. It makes you question your entire life, and puts a huge amount of doubt into yourself that shouldn’t be there. So let’s change that shall we?
Good I’m glad you agree because you don’t have a choice, not when it comes to this.
You want to be that happy, confident person you miss being from six months ago? Great, here’s the first step, remember that person, remember the confidence you carried, the confidence you portrayed by just walking down the street, the heads that would turn because you were that awesome (everyone is awesome, don’t question it!!). Once you’ve found that person, remind yourself how you used to carry yourself. I’m sure six months ago you didn’t carry yourself with the weight of the world on your shoulders? No I imagine you didn’t. Do you get the picture of what needs to be done? Only you can decide if you lose the person you were before this all begun. Only YOU can decide if depression wins and defines you as a person.

Do you know what someone told me recently ?

Happiness and confidence are the prettiest things you can wear.

I completely and utterly agree with those words. If that is what makes you YOU again, then do it. It is not the be all or end all, we all have our different paths and journeys to follow.

But for those who read my blog and spend five minutes out of their day trying to find ways to improve yourself then know this:

You are unique, you are creative, you are special, you are meant for more on this planet than you realise and you need to stay true to who you are … Because we all deserve to be quirky and different, you don’t need to follow a crowd, you don’t need to let this illness destroy the beautiful person you are. You are strong, and you will beat this.
You just need to stay true to who you are and that is when you know that you WILL win.


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Do Not Let Your Depression Affect Your Loved Ones!

So something I’ve realised the past few weeks is how much depression can affect not only you but those closest to you. It hurts them to see you hurting but the negative energy that is being produced also makes a huge impact on their lives and state of minds. It isn’t fair on either of you as sometimes you can’t help when you’re having a bad day of it, but then is it right to be around your loved ones and pass on those emotions without even realising it ?

Now the people closest to me know that when I’m having a bad day I am an absolute nightmare to handle, I don’t like to admit it but it’s true, I am a pain in the ass! However I have learnt this week how to get myself into a positive frame of mind before I see the people I care for, it may be relevant to some readers and not so relevant to others but this is how I personally do it, it is my journey after all.

If I wake up feeling low, the first thing I will instantly do is get on YouTube and play some of my favourite songs. I admit I am a huge romantic and day dreamer so I am straight on the happy love songs, something I can dance and sing along too. That can lift my mood straight away because the music reminds me of who I am, and that depression doesn’t define me.
IF for any reason that fails my second option is that I will sit down, calm myself through slow breathing and write in my journal all the positive things in my life, remind myself I am not alone and I am surrounded by loved ones all the time! Let me tell you something important about your loved ones. They will literally carry you and get you through anything sometimes at the expense of their own happiness. It is wonderful, but is that fair? I hate the very thought that someone I love compromises their own happiness so that I can feel better. You need to help yourself. You cannot rely on people day in day out to get you through every single second of the day.
It may mean spending time on your own somewhere, climbing a mountain, going for a long walk, even getting out of the city, but you need to realise your own depression will impact other people’s lives and you are the only person who can change that. You were not born to be depressed and live everyday like a zombie. You are a human being and you CAN control your emotions if you just believe you can. Have you heard the Disney quote “all you need is faith, trust and pixie dust”? Well if you have then you know exactly what I’m talking about, and if you don’t here’s what it means:

Have faith in yourself to change what needs to be changed,
Have trust in yourself to be able to make those changes,
As for pixie dust, that is you yourself, only when combined with faith and trust will you see a change.

After all is said and done, remember that your loved ones will always be there, but you do not get to bring them down when all they do it lift you up when times get hard. You can be your own hero, because one day you might not have another hero save the day other than yourself.

So be positive, be kind and have courage. You control your fate, no one else.

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How My Depression Started …

Hey guys,

So recently I started counselling for my depression and anxiety, it hasn’t been easy in the slightest getting to the root of where it all began. However I’ve decided to share my story because I feel it may help others as well as myself … It’s a difficult journey but I am determined to get to the finish line and finally start my life anew.

So after a few sessions I realised my depression and anxiety started nearly four years ago when I was with a certain ex-boyfriend. An ex-boyfriend who whether I like to admit it or not shaped me into this person, an empty hollow shell of the person I used to be. When I met him all that time ago, he seemed so sweet, a little damaged as we all are but a nice guy, someone I thought I genuinely connected with and someone I gave my very heart and soul too. It felt almost like true love at the time, I was young and in love but as always in some love stories things did take a nasty turn.
It was about three months in when it all started, we were out one night, drinking, having fun when his mood suddenly switched, it wasn’t until we got home did the abuse really begin. At first it was all verbal saying how I was fat, ugly, how he could have anyone he wanted and didn’t even know why he was with me in the first place. We slept in the same room but I won’t lie that I did cry myself to sleep while he slept peacefully next to me.
That was the beginning of the anxiety, I started to feel very self conscience the next day, constantly looking in the mirror, and it all escalated to a point where I was checking my weight every day, being careful not to eat too much and then I started smoking a lot more than before. He did apologise after a while, when he realised it had hurt my feelings and affected me but the damage had been done …
A few weeks later, the same situation happened again except this time, the abuse wasn’t just verbal, it turned physical. Being pinned down, alcohol forced down my throat, my head ricocheting off a door and then darkness … I woke up where I’d been left, near the front door lying in my own blood and vomit from what had happened. I left and went back to my mother’s house to clean myself up, I wasn’t gone three hours when he knocked the door begging forgiveness, saying he had been spiked in the club and he would do anything to make it all right. I hung onto his every word, blinded by some sort of twisted love I had for this vile human being stood before me, and I went back with him. That was the beginning of my depression.
Then it became a routine, something I learnt to grow accustomed too. As if I felt I deserved it, what was a drunken weekly bit of abuse turned into a daily routine where it was a mixture of verbal and physical attacks, constantly grinding me down as if I was his pet he was trying to tame. Whenever I went to work and I had bruises I would make excuses and say I’d fallen down the stairs or I’d walked into a door or lamp post. They never questioned it further so I never said more than I had too and got on with my job. The job was my escape, my safe place where no one could hurt me. I was scared to go home most days, afraid the next time I walked through that door it would be the last time I would see anyone I loved and cared for …
However things all changed when I decided to fight back, it was the worst night of my life. He had decided to get drunk once again, and he decided he wanted to attempt to inject me with heroin. It was the final straw, I fought for my life that night, it ended with the syringe on the floor, still full, him on the floor out cold and me standing against the wall holding a broken bottle from where  I had smashed him across the head as hard as I could when he came towards me with it …
I packed my bags, took all my belongings and moved back to my mother’s house. I didn’t see him again for a very long time. He knocked my door about six months later asking to talk, I couldn’t do it, I didn’t stand up to him or tell him what I really thought of him I just closed the door. I thought it was the end, I’d get over it.
He destroyed the person I used to be, before him was so carefree, bubbly, joyful and full of life and now … well I’m still bubbly but not so carefree as I used to be, it’s like there is a constant weight on my shoulders and I am always on edge to the point where I will have a panic attack on just a half full bus because of what he did to me.

Saying all that though, I got out, granted I should have left sooner because it was the most toxic relationship I could have ever got into. But I am stronger than I was, and I am stronger because I am brave enough to share my story with the world.
I was told by someone recently my smile could give others strength because although my eyes reflected sadness, my smile shows how much strength I have and I can pass that onto other people. So while I wrote this, please know no matter the flashbacks I am smiling because I have come out the other end stronger. I am still taking everyday as it comes, but now knowing where and how it all began, my journey will be easier and I will get through this no matter what. 
Before I end this though, I just want to say something to all the people in the world who may have gone through or be going through what I have right now:

You are enough & you’re going to do amazing things.
You probably have a smile hidden under all that pain that could change the world.
You can do more than you think & you are more than you think.
No one get’s to control and manipulate you, you are the master of your own fate.
So get out of it before it’s too late, be free and please … Be Happy x


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Don’t Ever Let Go Of Your Dreams! They Matter! 

Hey guys,Completely off topic of my usual posts but today I want to talk about following your dreams …

Dreams are important to have and to keep, it’s what gives us all hope and a goal to reach am I wrong ?

A friend of mine recently lost his way and is going through a rough time following his dream, a dream he’s put a lot of money and time into. He’s frustrated and he’s hurting and in a way this is a bit of an open letter to him.

His dream changed my entire perspective on life, his determination and passion changed my entire world just by showing me exactly what it was and what he wanted to achieve. My response to all this anguish and pain he is experiencing right now is: you are the most inspiring person who has changed a life, something you wanted to do no ? You changed my life through your music, not just your friendship. Each lyric you write is filled with emotion, some emotion I can’t even delve into myself and that gives me hope. Gives me the hope that I’ll be able to achieve my dream of being a successful writer, a someone who people will remember on this earth, and I have no hesitation in saying that you WILL make an impact and you will change more people’s lives with just ONE SONG. You have come so far, grown so much and I am so proud to call you not just my friend but my greatest inspiration.

Keep going, you are destined for greatness and I can’t wait to see it happen when you least expect it.

Now go and change the world, because if you don’t then no one else will.

All my love,

Al x

Is Being Judged Any Reason Not To Find Your Silver Lining ?

So it’s been a few days, I’ve been pretty busy trying to figure things out especially with my depression. I recently realised how much you can be judged for being like this, being a way that is not always within your control, by being trapped in your own mind and not being able to escape. People will not understand your battle, the endless corridor you run through trying so hard to reach that light at the end but all it does it get further and further away while walls close in and you’re trapped once again, consumed by the darkness, the fear and pain all at once.
The funny thing I’ve realised is we who suffer with depression and often anxiety, we don’t deserve to be judged, we deserve to be understood. Don’t get me wrong, it is our choice if we seek help to get through depression and who we open up to about how we’re feeling but let me tell you something, humanity is cruel and there won’t always be a silver lining every single day. However that said, the people who really matter in this world won’t judge you, they will understand. Those people often become the silver lining just through simple acts of kindness whether it’s friendship, family or something more. These people’s actions speak louder than words, for me when my best friend is just simply with me, no words have to be said but that kindness, that compassion of understanding that words don’t always help, that is my silver lining almost every day. He understands my battle more than anyone else and for that I know I’m not judged by him of all people. He helps me realise I don’t have to conform to society or lie about who I am or feel judged because of who I am, or at least what depression makes me feel the need to do.

The message I want to pass on more than anything is when you find someone whether it’s a friend or more, who wants to understand what’s going on without that judgemental look hiding behind their eyes, that is the person you should talk to about how you’re feeling. Never feel judged, you are stronger than that, and one person can make all the difference.
The people who make us feel something other than sadness are never the people we expect, so when you find them, cherish them … that’s when you have your silver lining.

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Do You Live For The Important Moments ?

In our lives we define a lot by what we do with our time, but we often forget the beautiful moments we share with the people that care. We forget to live in the moment of things, the beauty and liberation of them. We forget to live by the most magical moments, whether it is a beautiful landscape on top of a mountain or even just looking up at the stars. It’s the sad truth, we spend so much time wanting things, things so trivial but things that are in fact in front of our very eyes.
I suppose romance is one of those wonderful moments we should live in but more often than not take for granted. We are all looking for our romantic soul mate, we may find soul mates in friendship but it isn’t the same kind of feeling as an actual partner to share things with, no matter who you are you have to admit you want your happy ending as much as the person who is next to you right now. It’s difficult on the path to love, you come across many people on your journey, people who could be more than just a fleeting glance across the bar or street but yet we spend a lot of time thinking “oh wait, I’m sure there’s more for me out there, someone else out there who is my PERFECT match”. Here’s the problem with that theory, what is your perfect match exactly? And why isn’t that person you just glanced at the person you could share beautiful moments with?
I admit, what I’m saying I have done on many occasion, but thinking about it has led me here because I have realised I have been missing out and not appreciating the moments I do share. The romance I have missed because of my own inability to comprehend that I could in fact be happy where I am. I have spent a very long time being bitter. It’s true, it only makes me human, but is that any reason not to enjoy the moments I am lucky enough to be a part of? Having depression has made me bitter, and everyday I try to turn that bitterness into joy, I try to get through another journey of the day and find a new moment to appreciate and fall in love with. We should fall in love with something new everyday, it could be the sunset, it could be the moon, it could be a piece of art like music or even a photo overlooking a beautiful lagoon hidden from the chaotic world around us. These moments matter, they don’t define us, but they can define the way we feel and look at the world around us. Moments are all about love, whether it’s the love of a friendship, a partner or just the love of general solitude.
Yes, I talk a lot about love, because love matters to me. Romance matters to me. I think a friendship can be romantic, I think a city can be romantic, I think loneliness can be romantic, I think standing in an open stadium watching your favourite music artist can be romantic. Anything can be romantic if you live in the moment and present time of it happening. Moments matter, and whether you’re in a good place or not, you should appreciate every moment and live in them because you never know what could happen tomorrow.

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Music Really Can Help Beat Depression!

Have you ever listened to a song that can instantly change your mood? Whether it’s a good or bad reaction doesn’t really matter, it’s the outcome of a certain song or artist that can change your entire world in only a few short minutes with their lyrics that you feel a strong connection to, a feeling like that piece of art was made for you …
It’s an odd feeling really isn’t it? Feeling something so deeply, feeling inspired to do something you would never have dreamed of. I’ll be honest, my blog started because of music, the fact that music can tell stories in so little a time made me want to get out there and write stories of my own, share my experiences and well just blog in general! It’s a magical feeling knowing something that can often be taken for granted changed my entire world.
Now to the point of this post otherwise I’ll just carry on rambling (which is more often than I like to admit), what has often helped me and I’m sure many others when you’re having a day from hell and depression is creeping in through the cracks of the walls you put up to shut it out, a little music can often help those cracks seal themselves back up. Personally my favourite thing to listen to is Taylor Swift, she inspires me, makes me remember that I am still me, and that their is hope out there in the world that I often forget is right in front of my eyes. There is so much magic and wonder in the world and ONE single artist can make me realise this with just lyrics, words that touch the heart and mind deeply.
It is proven already that music does affect the mind, it affects how we feel, how we see things, sometimes how we act. For example, who has ever put on a random song and just danced in their room singing their hearts out and forgetting your worries? Even if it’s just for ten minutes? Because I have, god I am GUILTY of that big time! When I do these things, with music, it beats the depression back for days and days, and when I feel it coming back, I put that cheesy Spice Girls song on and dance and sing to my bloody hearts content!

And so should anyone who feels that connection to music, because music is freedom, it gives us a chance to express who we really are without even trying. It makes us remember that the fear of being average is nothing, because we are not average, we are amazing.

If there’s one message I’d like the pass on, it is this:

Music Is Freedom, Freedom Is Living

&

Living Is An Awfully Big Adventure Don’t You Think ?

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Is A Relationship Possible With Depression?

So … it’s been an interesting few days guys, and it’s given me A LOT to think about it and inspire me into writing this post I suppose. So as you are all aware, I also suffer from depression and anxiety, the whole idea of this blog is to share experiences and what not. Yet the one thing I haven’t touched on yet is how to be in a new relationship, WELL technically any relationship when you suffer from depression and anxiety. Do you tell your partner from the off-set ? Or do you hide it and wait for a right time to tell them?

Honestly, I’ve met someone this week. Who has completely taken me by surprise, he’s a bit older (not that that bothers nor concerns me), but there is something about him that completely captivates me. Something about him is different from other men I’ve known in the past, something tells me I can trust him, so I did.  I told him the second day in about my depression and anxiety and do you know what his reaction was? Honestly I was not expecting it, I’m normally used to people freaking out or making an excuse to leave etc, but he genuinely opened up about how he knew what it was like because he’d suffered from it in the past. That’s the best feeling, knowing someone not only understands but has been through it. Oh and of course he didn’t run away.
But what if he hadn’t suffered from it before? Would that change how he looked at me? I doubt it highly, and this is where this post is going. If someone who claims to care for you, defines you by your depression, looks at you and that is all they see. They are not the one for you love. To be with someone, truly, they should like and/or love you and be with you for all your sides, and yes that includes depression. It should god damn well include your depression because it is a part of you as long as you are fighting to defeat it, it should include your depression because they will see every side of you including  your ups and downs. The ups will have nothing to do with depression, but sometimes the downs will, not always but sometimes. That person will have to see all of this, and they will know when it is depression and when it isn’t because they will know you well enough to know exactly what is going on.
There is one flaw with this however, depression can often lead you into only showing certain parts of yourself in little snippets, sort of like little jigsaw pieces slowly being pieced together until it comes together into a beautiful piece of art … BUT if you are honest very early on about what you are going through, the sooner you can slowly learn to trust that person. Without trust, then it won’t go very far or anywhere at all.
My advice is, just be honest, because if you aren’t then it could spell the end of something magical and loving before it even get’s off the runway. Everyone deserves happiness, and there is no reason we can’t have it just because of our mental health. It’s a long process, it’s a long journey, but that one person can make the whole difference to your world, but only if you let them.
One last thing, especially if you are a bit insecure about telling that special someone about what’s going on, just do one thing for me, don’t lie, don’t pretend to be someone you’re not to please them whether they are you dream partner or not.
Just:

Be True To Who You Are & Love Will Find You.

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Do you really have a good support system?

A support system is what most people need to get through various things in their lives, whether it is starting a new job or making a career change, moving to a different city, a break-up and so on. However when you do not have the support system you need, that’s when mentally you start to go down-hill.
Feeling disconnected, alone and like you have nowhere and no one to turn too. What’s worse is that when you’re depressed every single feeling can often be amplified to the point where although you know you should ask for help, the so called “help” should already be there. I know more than most that life can get busy and complicated for a lot of people, but is that any reason to neglect important people in their lives, or at least the people who have shown the support they so desperately crave ?

We as human beings are selfish, it’s true, we won’t admit it but we are. We are always out for number one. Does that mean for any reason what-so-ever that someone in your life you haven’t heard off for a while might actually appreciate a phone call or text message just to see how they’re doing? What is five minutes out of your day to call someone and let them know you were thinking about them and wanted to know how they were? The smallest things go the furthest with people who think that no one cares or supports what they’re doing with their lives.

Personally from my experience, I always try but it is NEVER a two way street. It probably never will be. I have a very small support network who genuinely care for me and check up on me. Do I wish others did though? Do I wish that my so called “friends” would pick up the phone every now and then and see how I am? Of course I do.

However the support network I do have keeps me afloat, keeps me level and continues to remind me that I am NOT ALONE. Not ever. So please, when you are going through a hard time and what not, the people who truly care, truly want to be apart of your life will support you in every single way you didn’t know was possible in this world.

No matter what the voices in your head tell you, no matter how low you are feeling please remember one thing, and be selfish when you do this.
Remember:

You Are Not Alone.

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