One of the greatest challenges with depression is trying to explain it to people. Whether it’s a close friend, a loved one or even just a work colleague. Now for me I sometimes wake up and it is genuinely crippling, the very thought of seeing a friend or going to work can often feel like torture. My body and mind are constantly raging against each other to get up and see the day through. This can make hours feel like days, I often find myself ignoring text messages off of loved ones and close friends just because my mind is telling my body “no, no one really cares you are in this alone”. Of course it isn’t true but how can you tell your own mind that this isn’t the case? It’s not a straightforward answer or explanation even I have come to grips with myself. 
A year one after being diagnosed and learning to face my demons and where it all stemmed from has been challenging. It still is, every single day. It is a constant fight of good days and bad days and that is ok. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. Even the strongest people break from time to time, and that’s just life. 
As many of you now know my depression started from an abusive relationship which flipped my whole world upside down. I lost my self-worth, my confidence, even my dreams and aspirations in life. It has been a difficult transition getting to where I am now, and believe it or not those demons still haunt me to this day. I would be lying if I said I did not wake up in a panic every other week, drenched in a sticky sweat having dreamed I was still in that period of my life. I have much more support around me compared to what I used too and it is reassuring.  
I find it really difficult to express myself in person sometimes so I hope whoever is reading my posts can gain some sort of understanding about why I am the way I am. I can be needy, I can be moody, I might just need a hug or some reassurance that you do actually care and want to be in my life. Trust me, depression makes you question almost everything and it is not fun, it can make you feel like you’re a hindrance in others lives. Your own mind tortures you into believing and thinking certain things which just need clarification, and I am painfully aware not everyone sees things in the same light but kindness and honesty cost nothing. 
So the one thing I find the hardest with depression is a relationship. Yes gay and depressed what a cliche. I’ve heard it all so don’t even try it. Whenever I have ever met someone who could perhaps be a partner one day down the line, of course I let them see the good parts, not too much but enough to spark an interest. They then later get to see the not so good parts, the damaged goods I like to describe them as, the depressed side. The side that is insecure, and a bit broken and just needing a little love. That’s when people decide to up and run because you’re too fucked up to deal with. Well fuck you very much to the people who have done that not just myself but others in the same boat. People like you don’t deserve people like me, or should I say us. We love a little bit harder than most because we know exactly what it is like not to feel loved especially by ourselves, your loss guys. It really is.
One day I will feel completely equal and balanced and maybe with the right person by my side I’ll get there a lot quicker. Who knows. Right now my only goal is to help not only myself but other people in the world struggling with their own mental health. My main goal of this year is to start working with charities, throw a fundraiser and spread some positivity into the world. Everyone has their own story, and they should not be afraid to tell it. We should not be ashamed because of our mental illness. We should not be afraid to love and be loved in return. We should not be afraid to be who we are.
We should not be afraid to dream impossible things.
Until next time,
Alastair x


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