Today has been a hard day. It caught me completely off guard. I often forget depression can creep up on you at any moment and at any time of the day. You can be laughing and joking with your friends one minute, the next you’re an absolute mess filled with anxieties and fears you thought you’d left behind long ago.
Today was one of those days. I woke up feeling great after an amazing evening on the beach surrounded by amazing people. It then dawned on me that yesterday was also the first Father’s Day without my grandfather. I cracked. Completely broke down, I had two panic attacks before I even left the house for work. Now I haven’t had a panic attack in fourteen months, so imagine my distress and mentality at having two in less than a few hours. After I had showered I sat on the edge of my bath completely broken for thirty long minutes. Crying my eyes out as if I was going through the motions of grief all over again and it just wouldn’t stop. It made me realise that depression never really leaves. It is a constant battle of the mind constantly swaying between which side comes out on top.
Now I wear my heart on my sleeve, but I am guarded when it comes to certain people. Four people currently get to see me in these moments of despair. They are all amazing people, I am so grateful to them and I don’t think they realise the important parts they play by just listening and being there. One person is a new addition to my life, and sometimes I question whether I should speak to him about certain things. Sometimes I wonder if it’ll just push him away. However saying that, he does in his own way. He probably won’t admit it but he wouldn’t put up with me if he didn’t care. He’s guarded, and he’s going through a lot but I am glad he’s part of my life. It will certainly be a lovely reunion when I finally see him again.
I guess today has taught me something new once again in this ongoing battle of depression. Communication is key, no matter how scared you are of speaking out, the people you trust the most won’t turn their backs on you if they truly care. I’m lucky I get four people to speak because I remember a time I thought I had no one. The times I felt I was a no one and just felt like a hindrance by just being here. I’ve come a long way, I need to remind myself of that far more often than I care to admit.
There will always be good days and bad days, the key is too not let the bad days win. It’s something that I tell people constantly but never tell myself. I will pick myself up from this, I will be stronger tomorrow and I will keep fighting. Life is too short and I refuse to let this mental illness define me and my life.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I will wake up and continue living and dreaming. It’s what I do best. Until then the moon and stars shall be my company while I raise a toast to my grandfather and to myself, for finding the strength and courage to write this.