Sometimes with depression you can lose yourself along the way without realising it. You become almost an empty hollow shell carrying around a false smile. Deny it all we want but it’s true. We can pretend to smile and be happy but here’s a news flash: depression does not get to decide who you are, it does not get to decide what clothes you wear or how you portray your own character. You shouldn’t have to pretend to smile because I’m sure you have plenty of reasons to goddamn smile on a day to day basis!
Personally, I am a carefree daydreamer and typical romantic with my head stuck in a book most of the time. I like to dress to impress most of the time (apart from when I’m at the gym … Ok maybe I put a bit of effort into looking nice at the gym but who the heck is keeping track on what I’m wearing anyway right?!). I dress casual smart, because that is who I am, if one day I got up and got dressed and put on the baggiest clothes known to man, I think EVERYONE in my life would notice something was wrong and that I was not being myself. I do not like to flaunt that I do have depression, why should I ? Does it define me ? No. Does it decide how I should WANT to feel and dress like ? No.
It tries to tell me a lot of things that aren’t true. And it is in those cruel things that start to strip you of the person you are, the person you are meant to be. It makes you question your entire life, and puts a huge amount of doubt into yourself that shouldn’t be there. So let’s change that shall we?
Good I’m glad you agree because you don’t have a choice, not when it comes to this.
You want to be that happy, confident person you miss being from six months ago? Great, here’s the first step, remember that person, remember the confidence you carried, the confidence you portrayed by just walking down the street, the heads that would turn because you were that awesome (everyone is awesome, don’t question it!!). Once you’ve found that person, remind yourself how you used to carry yourself. I’m sure six months ago you didn’t carry yourself with the weight of the world on your shoulders? No I imagine you didn’t. Do you get the picture of what needs to be done? Only you can decide if you lose the person you were before this all begun. Only YOU can decide if depression wins and defines you as a person.
Do you know what someone told me recently ?
Happiness and confidence are the prettiest things you can wear.
I completely and utterly agree with those words. If that is what makes you YOU again, then do it. It is not the be all or end all, we all have our different paths and journeys to follow.
But for those who read my blog and spend five minutes out of their day trying to find ways to improve yourself then know this:
You are unique, you are creative, you are special, you are meant for more on this planet than you realise and you need to stay true to who you are … Because we all deserve to be quirky and different, you don’t need to follow a crowd, you don’t need to let this illness destroy the beautiful person you are. You are strong, and you will beat this.
You just need to stay true to who you are and that is when you know that you WILL win.